Okie dokie, so since the voting has finally started and the field of candidates has been culled, I'm going to provide my Hater's Guide to the Democratic Primary. Don't read unless you're ready to see your favorite candidate get shit on. You've been warned.
Bernie Sanders: A 78 year-old self-proclaimed socialist who just had a heart attack last year and has a one in three chance of dying in office if elected, Sen. Sanders is the current front-runner and prohibitive favorite to earn a plurality of delegates and force a brokered convention. Sanders has a history of praising communist regimes and took his honeymoon in the Soviet Union, after which he hung a Soviet flag in his office while mayor of Burlington. Normally someone like this would be laughed off the stage, but wait until you get a load of the other candidates.
Joe Biden: A 77 year-old former vice president who is very clearly a shell of his former self, a former self who already lost two bids for the Democratic nomination for the presidency, Biden was the front runner until he started talking and people thought, "Holy crap, this guy's gotten old." And he's not even the oldest candidate running. Seemingly only running because he has nothing better to do.
Michael Bloomberg: A 78 year-old billionaire and former New York mayor (JFC, what is it with septuagenarians running for president lately?), Bloomberg is the C. Montgomery Burns of the Democratic primary. After spending a million dollars a day on ads to try to buy the Democratic nomination, Bloomberg finally set foot on a debate stage and reminded everyone that he's a charmless little troll. Nobody actually likes Bloomberg, and he doesn't even pretend to care. Most likely to enact a purge of "undesirables" and call it a "climate change initiative."
Elizabeth Warren: A 70 year-old Massachusetts senator and former Harvard law professor, Warren has the great fortune of having the previously listed guys to make her seem young by comparison. Warren has a reputation for her keen intellect, and it's well-grounded, given that the only person who repeatedly outsmarts her is herself. Repeatedly. Much like Paul Ryan on the Republican side of the aisle, it isn't enough to simply be well versed in the areas she's well-versed in. She has to present herself as a subject matter expert in literally everything. Thus, while vague plans are good enough for most candidates, she presents a painstakingly detailed health care plan, knowing full well that whatever final product comes out of Congress is not going to bear any resemblance to what she's presenting. She could have been a great candidate, but when you're a bullshitter, people eventually catch on to that and stop listening to what you have to say.
Pete Buttigieg: AAAAAHH!!! *thump* Oh, sorry. I should have brought a rope for that age drop. A 38 year-old former mayor of a small city, why the hell is this guy even in contention? On the Netflix animated show "Bojack Horseman", there was a "character" called Vincent Adultman who was very clearly three kids stacked under a trench coat, and for some reason nobody but Bojack noticed, even as Bojack repeatedly pointed this out. In this scenario, Buttigieg is Vincent Adultman, and Amy Klobuchar is Bojack. Buttigieg has no realistic path to the nomination and would probably get curb-stomped by Trump even if he did win. Seemingly, the only role he's played is blocking the path to the nomination of a more qualified woman (really, either Warren or Klobuchar), which is just... so... typical. Which brings us to...
Amy Klobuchar: A 59 year-old third term senator from Minnesota, Klobuchar is well-regarded by her senate peers, has won three state-wide elections in a key battleground state, and unlike the first four candidates, is below the legal retirement age. She checks every box for being an ideal presidential candidate, so of course she's losing to two candidates at death's door and one candidate is very clearly three kids stacked under a trenchcoat. People talk about Warren being dismissed due to sexism, but for my money, it's Klobuchar who's been treated unfairly, and I literally cannot come up with any reason why aside from the fact that she's a woman. She's pointed out that if Buttigieg was a woman with the same qualifications, nobody would take him seriously. She's right, and we don't even have to look that far to find an example. Which brings us to...
Tulsi Gabbard: Like Buttigieg, she's a veteran with an otherwise thin resume. But there's a key difference: she's a woman of color, so of course the media (at the prompting of Hillary Clinton, for some reason) treats her as a Russian asset. She's just as unqualified and unprepared as Buttigieg, but unlike Buttigieg, she's receiving an appropriate level of support. Finally....
Tom Steyer: What can I say about Tom Steyer? No really, I know literally nothing about the guy except that he's rich. Yet another billionaire trying to buy the nomination like Bloomberg, he's been markedly less successful in buying support, and I half suspect that there's some kind of ongoing bet between him, Bloomberg, and Trump.
